Tag Archives: Modern

“Why Are You Still Single?”

sex & the city quotes satc liberata dolce blog blogger fashion why are you still single fabulous

Recently, I read an article about a teacher who quit her job after no longer being able to withstand modern teaching methods.  She watched as her students struggled and became frustrated when they were all forced to learn the same methods, the same way, at the same time.  The students who weren’t able to grasp concepts the same way as others who picked them up quickly felt like there was something wrong with them.  They wanted to learn- it wasn’t for lack of effort- they just needed a different process.  And preferring to look like the “bad kid” instead of the “stupid kid”, they would act out.  Or, they would simply give up all together.

I couldn’t help but notice the similarities with dating these days.

In a culture where everything is instant, socially broadcast and easily replaced, its easy to figure out who’s in love…. and who’s single.  Its also equally easy to feel the pressure of your status more than ever- because apparently, it says A LOT about you.  Accurate or not.

And as someone happily residing in Singleville, I.  Am.  Over.  It.

memes why are you still single blog liberata dolce fashion blogger style

As I’ve mentioned before, in my group of friends, I’m “that girl“.  Notoriously single, and rather comfortable with it, I’m used to being questioned and prodded by my friends like a circus monkey.  I cant really blame them- my dating life is WAY more comical than anything you’ll find on Netflix.  And I don’t mind dishing.  Plus, it kinda helps me cope with the trauma from bad dates with clueless fuck boys.  Yes, wine and laughter really does cure ALL.

But as open as I am about my failed romances- and I use that term loosely- there is one question that I find not only unnecessary, but offensive:

Why are you still single?

Um, gee, well, it might be that chain letter I never forwarded back in 1998.  Or my inability to cook.  Or maybe, totally unbeknownst to me, I’m actually insane.  Plus, I kinda dig cats.  Oh, and I’m also vegetarian?

memes why are you still single blog liberata dolce

Or maybe- how about this:  What business is it of yours?

To me, asking someone why they’re single is really just a polite way of asking what’s wrong with them.  Like my current status in life is so horrible and unimaginable, there must be SOME reasonable explanation.  This is when people usually reply with bullshit answers to avoid pity and make them look less grotesque and more human:  I work too much…  I’m just focusing on me right now…  I’m waiting for Adam Levine to become available again (please God!!)…  So, just to keep things fair, I usually just answer the question with another question:

How are you still not?

Pow.  And this is the exact moment where everyone can grab their popcorn and wait for the shit show to begin.  Because apparently asking someone for a reasonable explanation on how they’ve managed to find someone to put up with their flaws is frowned upon.

And that right there is what we call a double standard.

You get my point?  I’m not damaged goods.  I’m not unlovable.  And I’m certainly not crazy.  I’m not anything but me.  Like the frustrated kids in class, I’m simply operating on a different system.  And while my system may not be the same as yours, I’ll still get the right answer.

(And by the way- is it not complete irony that I was in all Honors classes??)

My point is, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.  There’s no dark and twisty past.  No fear of commitment.  Except maybe to the wrong guy.  So what if I haven’t followed a pre-determined timeline of dating, by basic methods, where the final exam is marriage.  The SAT’s of love.  And let me just say- there are quite a few of you that have already failed that one miserably.

Maybe I’m fine taking all the prep courses I can for now.  So when the time comes to apply all that knowledge, I’ll knock it clear out of the park.

Maybe, while everyone else is cheating off each other’s papers, I’m simply concentrating on my own.  On my time.  My way.

And maybe… just maybe, I actually care so much about it, that I want to be the best one in the class.  The Valedictorian of my life.

And in all honesty, looking back, my time being single has never been time wasted.  I am someone who is constantly evolving.  Constantly learning.  Probably more so than others.  And there has been no greater teacher than my time with my own self.  And while I’m not saying there aren’t things to discover with the help of someone else, I am saying that you need to know yourself first.  Cause any relationship prior to that isn’t a relationship at all- its a distraction.

So in case you haven’t caught on yet- being single has nothing to with anyone but ME.  Forget the god awful quotes you read on Tumbler.  You know which ones I’m talking about…

sex & the city quotes satc liberata dolce blog blogger fashion why are you still single fabulous

Yeah.  Exactly.  Stop posting that ridiculous shit.  “Amazing” should be a no-brainer.  It should be the bare minimum of traits in your significant other.  It should not need a Pinterest board to remind you- or anyone else– of that.  Instead, remind yourself of your own amazing attributes.  They are SO much more interesting.

As we grow, we go through our own personal life experiences at different times.  Our first date…  Our first kiss…  Our first love…  Our second…  Some people go on to Grad School.  Some never even finish High School.  These are the very factors that make each of us so beautifully unique.  So why should anything else have an expiration date.  There are no numbers stamped on me that say “Best by ##/##/####”.  And yet here we all are, happily going on about our days, doing the best we can, trying to achieve our own goals.  So just like all the other beautiful, unique factors that make you YOU, who is anyone to determine the timeline for all the things still to come?

So the next time someone asks why you’re still single- tell them the truth.

That you’re not single.

You’re fine.

In fact, you’re more than just fine-

You’re fabulous.

#BombshellCode 

(Although I might start forwarding those chain letters- just in case… ;))

X

Going Ghost: Today’s “I’m Just Not That Into You”

We all remember the episode.  The iconic words spoken by the one and only Jack Berger to explain one of the greatest mysteries still numbing the female mind today.  The mystery of dating someone you presume to be amazing.  Someone who obviously finds you equally amazing.  This is followed by the mystery of that very same person suddenly becoming (and staying) too busy for you.  Till finally, here comes the wine filled investigation with your best P.I.’s/girlfriends on why-  Maybe he really is busy?  Nope.  He scared of commitment?  LOL.  Maybe he’s sick?  Wrong again.  Maybe he’s out of town?  Possibly- if the new town he’s visiting is named Veronica.  And then of course, no girl rally is ever complete without someone fiercely declaring “It’s not you, it’s him!”.  Well, that’s partially correct… because really…

“He’s just not that into you…”

And boom.  Everything made sense.  Just like that.  6 honest words was all it took for confused women around the globe to shove that loser out of their mind, strap on their Manolo’s, and get back in the game.  No agonizing.  No over analyzing.  Just straight forward progression to meeting someone new.  And it wasn’t because they were excited the guy didn’t like them- it was because they had CLOSURE.  And logical closure at that.  An understandable and relatable reason to no longer invest time or energy into someone.  And then closure on your end would usually go something like this- “HE wasn’t into ME??  What an idiot.  Well clearly the guy is delusional.  And not to mention totally clueless on what size he actually wears.  Thank God I found out now- I wonder if the Christian Grey look-a-like still goes to my Starbucks…?  I need new shoes.”.

And just like that, you’re on to the next one.  Not just the next one, but a sexier, funnier, smarter one.  And hopefully richer.  ALWAYS richer.  If you’re not constantly upgrading the type of man you are dating, you are SO doing it wrong.  #BombshellCode

But alas, that was then.  And this… well, this is now.

Welcome to Generation Ghost.

The generation that decided just to skip the whole awkward “I’m sorry- I have to be up really early tomorrow” excuse and just straight up ignores you.  This tactic can be deployed by either the male or female.  Basically, whoever lost interest first, or found someone more interesting/hotter/taller/richer/dumber on Tinder.  There are varying degrees of Ghosting, but in order for it to count as a full blown Ghost experience, the person must disappear out of the blue, with no logical reason or warning.  I’m serious- you’re going to think they were struck by lightning.  But usually a simple look at their social media will eliminate any doubt.  In other words, if they can post a picture of their breakfast on Instagram, thereby confirming they still exist, but not respond to your text from 2 days ago, well… you can now consider your life the new sequel to Paranormal Activity.

Liberata Dolce Dating Relationships Ghosting Blog

So here comes the real question about this new phenomenon- is it good or bad?  Personally, I believe the answer depends on how fast you accept it- and react to it.  In one way, we have eliminated the awkward and sometimes painful last minute date cancelations.  There’s no need to come up with clever excuses as to why- food poisoning/my mom is sick/I have to wash my hair/I was in a tragic car accident that left me paralyzed.  Cause we all know- the more incredulous the lie, the more believable it HAS to be.

But we’re also avoiding being honest.  And more importantly- communication in general.  This kind of treatment can only lead to one feeling disposable.  I believe that no matter what the reason, we all deserve the right to know.  You don’t have to believe it, or adjust your whole life/personality as a result of it- it IS just someone’s opinion after all.  Like, if someone judged me for having too many clothes, I would point and laugh, and then move on happily.  To Saks.  Cause NO ONE needs that kind of negativity in their life.  And look at that- in addition to a new dress for your next new (hotter/richer/funnier/smarter) date, you got honesty AND closure.  Fuck yeah.

But when someone goes Ghost, you have two choices.  Choice #1, you can be smart and recognize it.  And I mean quickly.  I’m not saying you should assume this is the case because a whole day went by without a text.  But I WOULD say that you should start doing damage control and accept this could be the case.  What you DO NOT do is start sending text after text.  Which brings us to Choice #2, refusing to accept that anyone could be dumb enough to lose interest in you.  So you’re going to spend the next few weeks over analyzing, texting, and feeling bad about yourself while figuring out what you did wrong.  The fact is, someone IS dumb enough to lose interest in you.  And that’s exactly how you have to look at it.  That’s the thing with Ghosts- there will never be solid proof.  Just a bunch of urban legends as to why he disappeared.

Liberata Dolce Ghosting Relationships Dating Blog

Regardless of which route you take, this is the biggest challenge with Ghosting- the risk of OR belief in the Ghost coming back to life.  With no closure, you can never really be sure.  I mean, maybe he really WAS sick with the flu.  For 3 months.  With no ability to make contact cause he also had the Chicken Pox.  And had to wear oven mitts.  So he couldn’t text.  I KNEW IT!!

Yep.  He must be your Prince Charming.  It just took 3 months worth of other women for him to see it.

You get my point?  And just in case you’re still painfully unaware of the obvious, let me clarify- once someone goes Ghost, there is no coming back.  Ever.  Even Pet Cemetery couldn’t resuscitate this relationship.  So exercise the demons.  Preferably with a new man who actually does adore you.  And puts you first.  And puts all your fears of the paranormal at rest.

Take ownership and see the relationship, however long or short, for what it really was.  Was it REALLY all that incredible?  Or just convenient.  Or maybe a little of both.  Either way, chances are you’re going to look back and it will make sense as to why it didn’t work.  And yes, a simple “Because he was a dick” is fine.

But finally, here is some good news with Ghosts.  Unlike cheaters, ghosting is not an actual characteristic trait.  So the whole “Once a cheater, always…” theory doesn’t apply here.  It is still believed by both Ghost’s and Ghostees that when the right person comes along, Ghosting isn’t something to be worried about.  Unless of course, he actually DOES get struck by lightning.  And if that does happen, well, I would classify that as simply a case of good old fashioned karma.

So in the end, I guess we can put Ghosting in the Blessing category.  Eventually.  Way down the road when you’ve met The One, elusive as they may be.  The real life man of your dreams who only makes excuses to spend more time with you (“Sorry Boss, I think I caught the flu….”).  That’s when you can finally stop being afraid of ghosts, once and for all.  And your scary dating past can become just another urban legend.

And finally, lets get back to good ol’ Jack Berger.  What a piece of work this guy was.  Do you remember how he broke up with Carrie?  I know, I know- stupid question.  Of course you do.  It was the most incredible example of a douchebag you had EVER seen in your romantic life up to that point.

I’m sorry.  I cant.  Don’t hate me.

The Post-It.  I bet it still makes you cringe.  Except it shouldn’t.  Not today anyways.  Because we leave our own little break up Post-Its all the time.  Except now we simply send them via text.  So at the VERY least, thank Ghosting for saving you from having to deal with THAT.

And honestly, I have a lot to thank my own personal Ghosts for.  They forced me to really look at myself and take responsibility.  To grow up.  And to accept that we don’t always get what we want- and that sometimes we SHOULDNT get what we want.  And even more importantly, I gained the ability to take all the times that men made me feel like nothing, and then turn it into a big something.  A voice.  For you.

And as it turns out, I’m not as stupid as the ghosts in my life have made me feel.

And that’s the greatest self discovery of all.

So yeah- R.I.P. bitches.

X

 …

Bad Blood

We’ve talked about fashion.  We’ve talked about music.  Now its time to balance it all out and get down to the dirty.

The one topic that continues to elude us all.  Because like everything else, dating is also a constantly evolving game- except now there are more players and rules then ever before.

Liberata Dolce model dating fashion

Lets go back to basics first.  Starting with the most primal, natural, gratifying part of the whole process- the chase.  The act of pursuing a partner that seems completely disinterested in your now sole mission in life.  Its calculated.  And for some men, its even art.  Seduce and destroy.  Or, seduce and actually fall in love.  Either way, the rules used to be clear.  Gestures were grand.

It was actually kind of romantic.

But those days are gone.  The only evidence that they even existed are found in Romantic Comedies.  You can thank THEM for giving you an unrealistic idea of what to expect today.  I mean, if you’re a bird, I’m a bird, right??

Wrong.

Had The Notebook been written today, you would have seen Noah jump on Tinder the second he was single, swiping at a feverish pace to find the next great lay.  Or, instead of reading to Allie at the end, he would have just sent her texts full of emoticons.  Because any real words or questions might come off as too forward.  Maybe every now and then she’ll get a dick pic (that he keeps stored in his phone because he’s sent it to 5 other girls already).

Uh huh.  I bet you’re all suddenly relating now.

We don’t even HAVE rules anymore.  By the time anyone can really come up with some, technology changes again, or a new app is released, and suddenly its all blurry again.

For instance- can you even DEFINE dating today?  In fact, it sounds stupid to even still use the word since no one really even goes on dates anymore anyways.  We “hang out”.  When was the last time someone actually picked you up, took you out, dropped you off, walked you to your door….?  Today, everyone meets somewhere.  And then we find it charming if they tell us to text them that we got home safely.  See- obviously they must like you.

Nope.  Sorry.  That’s just someone being a decent human being.  Cause the real test comes after…

How long till either of you are checking your online dating accounts?  If my theories are correct, HE was probably checking it periodically through your “date”.  YOU waited till at least after you sent the follow up “Just got home, had a great time, insert every emoticon under the sun except for a heart cause that’s too forward”.

  And there you have it.  We don’t want easy (the chase), but yet, we DO want easy.  Because we know that if there is something even remotely challenging about this person, or if they don’t meet our requirements (I mean, he’s not even 6 ft!?), we can go shop online for our next date.  I mean, hang out in a public place that we both drove to.  Sounds like a real fairytale…

It gets worse though.  Lets say you’re now dating someone that you actually really do like, “flaws” and all (5’11 is almost 6 ft, after all).  But are you dating??  Like, really dating.  Like, exclusively banging each others brains out 3 to 4 nights a week?  I mean, we’re sleeping together, and hang out all the time, so I guess so…  But he hasn’t changed his Facebook status…?  And he still has his POF account…?  Wait- where did he say he was going tonight??  We haven’t had “the talk” yet…  Its okay- I left enough of my stuff in his bathroom to mark my territory.  And yes ladies- THAT is where all your bobbie pins and hair ties go.  They are sacrifices to the dating Gods to warn all potential bitches that’s YOUR property.  Have you ever been in a guys bathroom and saw a bobbie pin??  Universal girl code sign to “Run, Side Chick, ruuuunn!”.

Are you kidding me?  You just had sex on his kitchen counter, but the idea of suggesting being exclusive seems too forward?  To clingy?  No, you’re right.  Its better just to play it cool.  You don’t want to pressure him, after all.  I’m sure he just hasn’t gotten around to uninstalling his dating apps because he’s soooo wrapped up in you.  And those pictures he liked on Facebook- I’m sure those bikini clad stripper looking girls are just old friends.  Yep, you got yourself a real gentleman.  Who needs The Notebook, or titles?

YOU DO.

Stop letting little shits like this change the rules of dating.  Change the act of pursuing you.  Change YOUR STANDARDS.

You are NOT hard to love.  You are NOT setting an unrealistic standard.

When I talk about dating, I hear most of the blame being placed on men today.  And I could not disagree more.   I think men are pretty simple- when they like you, there is rarely any doubt.  They call.  They make plans.  They keep plans.  They make more plans.

Women on the other hand, well, we don’t seem to understand that.  So we make excuses.  Over-analyze on reasons why we haven’t heard from him.  We give way to much when we get way too little.  And with that, we have reinforced negative behavior.  You didn’t hear from him for 3 days…, but he said he was busy…, it was a really tough week at work…., so I guess I’ll go over his place tonight…

Yeah, he must REALLY like you.  Until 3 days turns into 5 days.  5 days turn into a week.  And then a week turns into you crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s wondering what’s wrong with you.  Next thing you know, you’re the next Taylor Swift.  Except you don’t write songs- your weapon of choice is passive aggressive Facebook posts and Instagram quotes.  Now, before you run out to buy a bunch of cats and declaring yourself a lesbian from here on out, let me break it down to you.  Cause I’ve done the Ben & Jerry routine one too many times.  There’s NOTHING wrong with you.

You just didn’t clarify what YOU wanted.  What you needed.  You put the focus on him.  His needs.  His rules.  You silenced yourself when you shouldn’t have.  All in the sake of playing it cool.  And that’s exactly what happened.  Because it probably never should have been in the first place.  And if you would have spoken up about what YOU wanted, and how YOU felt, you would have seen this answer a lot sooner.  Way before the emotional attachments started (that stupid pet name he gave you).  Or the routines became consistent (we slept sooo good together).  And definitely way before he ever made you feel bad about yourself, or what you deserve.  You were easy.  You were comfortable.  And, eventually, you became replaceable.

So you see, its not always a good thing to be easy.  Not when it comes at the cost of being honest.  With yourself, and with him.

Be open about who you are.  And direct about what you need.

Yeah, you’re probably still going to “hang out” with a lot of idiots.  And get dick pics.  Seriously guys- stop sending those.  No one gets excited by them.  But you’ll also save yourself a lot of time and heartache, freeing you to meet the guy that DOES pick you up.  And deletes his Tinder account.  And realizes upon meeting you what we already knew-

that if you’re a bird, he’s a bird.

Liberata Dolce model dating fashion beauty bombshell

X