Tag Archives: Dating

New Outlook, Who Dis?

December 24, 2019 Liberata Leave a comment

It’s official. Being single in your 30’s might just be the worst title one can have today. And before any of my feminist friends lose their shit at me for this declaration, hear me out first.

You see, I’ve been quite comfortable moving through life at my own single speed. Sure, I’ve had a few great “almost, maybe” relationships, but none of them ever ended in “happily ever after”. And that’s okay. Because being single is fabulous, right? You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. You don’t have to share anything. Or compromise. You get the entire bed to yourself. And my favorite part- every day is literally brimming with the excitement of the possibility that you could meet THE ONE. In other words, when you’re single, you almost feel like the rest of your life is still one big, exciting question mark, and your future is still full of unlimited possibilities (I know, I know- que Natasha Bedingfield’s Unwritten).

Okay, so maybe that’s just my only child syndrome showing, or maybe it’s my selfish nature to usually put myself first. And do every little thing myself (because who else can it better, right?). But more importantly, maybe it’s because in today’s world, I have to question how anyone could ever make another person happy, without first being happy with themselves. Sure I want the King to my Queen, but how can I financially contribute equally to a relationship when I’m still building my own empire? How am I supposed to inspire and motivate another person when I’m still so focused finding my own? Because after all, especially by today’s standards, success is something I should be able to build all by myself, and definitely not with the help of a partner.

The pressure of being a strong, independent female today is real, y’all. And truth be told- it’s exhausting.

So if you’re anything like me, you most likely spent your 20’s working hard to be the Boss Babe that you are now in your 30’s. I see you Queen. You ate your glitter for breakfast, and you became the proud poster child for #riseandgrind. You’re by no means rich (yet), but you’ve been able to support yourself, all the while successfully dodging fuckboys along the way. AND you probably did it all in heels. That in itself should earn you a trophy. Or at the very least a vacation.

Except there is no trophy. And there is no vacation. Instead, there’s only another level, or another new goal you’ve decided you need to reach. Which means more glitter will be needed, and more rising and grinding will be done before we might finally be able to declare ourselves as “happy”. To be fair, I’m not sure what exactly happens to a person when they do successfully reach it. Maybe some internal light magically turns on similar to a taxi cab, letting men know that you’re finally qualified enough to be Wifey material. Or, maybe nothing happens at all, and we just have to continue dodging fuckboys until The One simply decides just to casually show up one day in some meet cute kind of way.

Or maybe, we can finally just stop worrying about it. And just keep crushing our goals while we live our life. For the record, this is the option I vote for.

So why is being single in your 30’s such a toxic title to have today? Well the truth is…. it isn’t. Or rather, you shouldn’t look at it that way. Because being judged for being single in your 30’s is really just a sign of the times, and not a sign of your life choices. Or perhaps I should say- a sign of the changing of times.

Let me explain….

Remember when you were young, and society had this normalized standard that you thought you had to follow to be successful? First you would go to college to get the job that would make the money, then you would meet Prince Charming somewhere in your 20’s, get married, and then finally, you would have the family and coveted white picket fence in your 30’s. It all sounds so lovely, right?

God, we were stupid….

Because as it would turn out, we would grow up as the generation that would rewrite the entire fucking script. The generation that proved you didn’t need to go to college to land the dream job. Instead, we realized we could skip the student loans, create our own dream jobs instead, and just start working for ourselves.

We realized the divorce rate was ridiculous, as most of us grew up in single parent homes. So we decided maybe getting married in your 20’s wasn’t the best idea, and we took our time instead. So we used our 20’s to live. We used our 20’s for travel. For experiences. And for an education that no classroom would have ever provided. And hopefully, through all that, you figured out just who “you” really were, and how much “you” were really capable of. And then to our surprise, we discovered the person we were in our 20’s would still yet somehow evolve into almost an entirely different person in our 30’s.

And now here we are in our 30’s, and we’re still learning. About ourselves, and about what we define as a successful life. For some of us it might still be that family with the white picket fence. But for others, it could be the apartment you’re still renting in NYC. Or maybe it’s living with your best friend in the Hollywood Hills. Or maybe it’s the old, but very shabby chic farmhouse with just enough property to shelter all the animals you rescued.

The point is- the only way to measure your success in life…. is you. Or more specifically, your happiness with where you are, right now.

So the truth is, maybe our 30’s are when we just need to stop. Stop with all of it. Stop with the standards. Stop with the timelines. Stop with the judgement. And to finally stop letting ridiculous factors like goals or wealth determine our own happiness with where we are in life, at this very moment.

And instead, maybe we just need to start looking at ourselves as individuals that each have their own idea of what happiness is. As individuals that are still learning. Still growing. And more importantly, individuals that are still making mistakes.

But above all, maybe your 30’s are for finally realizing the only things worth chasing in this crazy beautiful life, are the things that set your soul on fire.

2018, Dating, Fashion, Sorry I'm No Sorry

Fast Fashion…. Fast Dating?

January 24, 2018 Liberata Leave a comment

Call me old school. But there are 2 things that I believe still deserve to be done with thought and integrity:

Fashion & love.

Fashion, because it is still a representation of who you are. How you feel. It’s a representation of your passions. Your beliefs. It can tell a little about your past, while even adding hints of where you see yourself in the future.

You don’t dress for the job you have, you dress for the job you want, right?

So it’s a little disappointing that we now live in a world where fashion has become fast. Cheap. Little care needed. And easily disposed of.

And really, whats to value about the quick purchase we made at Forever 21? That $14 dress you bought to wear once, on Friday night, cause it’s, like, so cute. If the dress is lucky it will survive the night without any stains, and will eventually find its way to the nearest donation bin along with 10 more just like it (different colors, of course). But more often than not, it will fall apart after being washed once, and it’s memory will only live on only in a filtered Instagram post.

We make purchases like these because, while they may be a big fashion risk, they will be little risk to our wallets. With virtually no financial damage, we can score an entire outfit, knowing full well it may only be worn once. And that’s okay. Because you weren’t really interested in committing to it anyways. I’m pretty sure you have no intention of passing on your sequin and studded tube top to your future daughter. And you probably aren’t saving it for a rainy day, either.

However, stopping by Neiman Marcus could cost you. Big time. Not only will you be spending more, you’re also more than likely committing to making a permanent home in your closet for your purchase. This would be considered an investment. So a lot of thought (and a little trying on) will be required before you make your final selection.

But wait… Dry clean only? No thanks. Hand stitched? I mean, how could anyone even know if that’s true? Hand wash only? Who has time for that? Lay flat to dry? Girl, bye.

And so, not wanting to take the risk of spending your time, money and effort on something of quality, you settle for cute and convenient instead. So it’s really no surprise that we have evolved to treating other areas in our life with the same level of effort.

Things like relationships.

Face it- dating has now become the Forever 21 of our love lives.

Fast. Little effort invested. Disposable.

And online dating has become our fitting room.

That would almost be funny…. if it weren’t so true. And we have to face the reality that online dating really is the only way to go these days. I mean, you could still run into someone at the grocery store, I suppose. But even if you did see someone that caught your attention, chances are that person will walk cruise right by you, their face buried in their phone, feverishly swiping, narrowing down that weekend’s dating options.

Because we don’t lock eyes anymore. We swipe right. Or, if you’re feeling extra creepy, you can slide right on into their DM’s.

Romantic, right?

But this also creates another problem- no one actually invests time in getting to really know one another anymore. If the dress rips, you can just throw it away with no remorse and buy a new one. If a date falls short of our expectations (but he said he was 6’2!), you can simply hop on your phone, ignore your 5’9 date, and line up your next one before you’ve even finished your drink.

That’s if you even make it to an actual first date. Because more often than not, the first date is now the time you message one another, right after you’ve matched on Tinder. That’s right. We just went ahead and completely eliminated the need to even have an actual face-to-face conversation to learn about one another. OR, we want to know everything about that person to even determine if its even worth going on a date with them. In my own personal experience, this dance can go on for weeks.

It goes something like this:

So, what do you do? What do you do for fun? Where do you live? Where are you from? What brought you here? Have you ever been married/kids? Are you on Facebook? Instagram? I’m probably going to need to see more pictures of you in various situations to determine just how attractive you really are. How tall are you?

Basically, this Q&A session will last longer then if you had just skipped all the superficial stuff, and actually just met for a drink instead. But neither party had to get off their couch, change out of their sweats, or make any real effort whatsoever. There’s no risk.

And so while you may know what they had for lunch that day, thanks to Instagram, you will have zero clue on whether there’s actually any chemistry between the two of you.

This is known as the period that we assess the potential risk of the individual. Or, in fashion terms, is the item worth the price? And there lies the problem.

I’m not sure we even understand what quality is anymore. In fashion, or in love. Or what it means to really invest in something, and want to take care of it, understanding that the item’s value will appreciate over time. We no longer know how to look at things, and think of the future, and imagine how special their place could potentially be in our lives. Do we even know how to care for something that could be expensive now, but priceless down the road? Instead, we’re only thinking of the hear and now.

And so we fail to imagine the magical memories that could be created, and fill our lives with a string of instant gratification moments instead.

But isn’t the magic what dating is all about? The potential?

When did we forget about the possibility of butterflies?

Thanks to social media and Amazon Prime, we expect everything now. From information to sex. We want to have all the answers. All the information. And a solid return policy.

But that’s not how relationships are formed, or even how memories are made.

I’d still like to believe that I’m going to marry my best friend. And a relationship like that takes time. Built with quality, and capable of being repaired, even when completely broken. Cared for with love, and protected from harmful agents. There for the good times, and even the bad. No annoying flaws or snags, but rather, only the stories behind them.

So I propose we start to treat dating like it’s something we actually value again. Because it is a risk. Whether it’s your heart, or your money on the line. Stop wasting your time and energy on cheap knock-offs, and instead save your efforts to invest in the real thing. Next time you meet someone, put down the phone. Lighten up on the messages. And put your fabulous, beautiful self out there and invest the time and effort to really get to know them, face to face. Say Goodbye to Forever 21 (unless it’s for accessories- I can’t even fault you there). And begin to treat your potential relationship like an Hermes bag. Sure, it’s a risk. And it definitely could cost you. But that same investment could be worth more than gold in time. And while it’s beautiful now, it could be even more stunning with age.

And always, always handle it with care.

And who knows….

Maybe, just maybe, you might get butterflies.

Confessions, Dating, Sorry I'm No Sorry

Valentine’s Day- Why You Need To Stop Being Bitter About It

February 12, 2017 Liberata Leave a comment

I get it. Really, I do. I have spent every Valentine’s Day of my life single.

Every. Single. One.

When your a kid, Valentine’s Day isn’t nearly as traumatic. Because it wasn’t about having a boyfriend- it was about candy. Your entire class was basically your Valentine. We were all in it together, making our way around the classroom, dutifully dropping our Valentine’s into each other’s handcrafted boxes, so ornately decorated that even Lisa Frank would have been proud. Even the weird kid in the back that ate his own hair felt the love (even if he did get the crappiest cards out of the bunch….). That shit was exhausting, writing out 30-something Valentines. Unless you were lucky, and had an adult on hand to help you out. The only real stress was determining who would be lucky enough to get an actual personalized paragraph written on the back along with some badass hearts drawn on it, or the simple “xoxo, Libby”.

( Cause I don’t care what the situation is, there will still always be a hierarchy….)

But then you get older. And just like everything else in life, Valentine’s Day turns into serious shit. Instead of a scale that was once used to innocently determine one’s popularity, it somehow becomes a scale to determine one’s entire self-worth.

Which is completely ridiculous.

Mainly, because the only thing that has changed to create this absurd standard is nothing more than our own way of thinking, and not the actual meaning of the day itself. Of course the day is about love. But why have we made it all about being loved by one person, a significant other, and not about being loved in general?

Or even better- why isn’t it about celebrating the fact that you have people in your life to love?

Like many others, I have spent the majority of my life with the belief that if I wasn’t in love, I just simply wasn’t allowed to participate in this holiday. I was permanently benched. I might as well be the kid in the back of the classroom eating my hair. Or even worse, if you did happen to be casually dating someone, it instantly places an awkward pressure on both of you by creating the sudden need to hastily define your situation. The dreaded D.T.R. Which, by the way, also explains why so many people break up just prior to the big day. If the day isn’t going to be all about roses, burning passion and undying love, then it’s going to be about chick flicks, ice cream, and defiant rage.

In other words, its one extreme or the other. Blissfully in love, or bitterly single. Long stemmed roses or double shots of tequila. Pink or black. There is no in between come February 14th.

Or is there?

Well, if you have anyone in your life to be even remotely thankful for, there is.

Lets go back to the grade school thing. You know, when a silly Valentine and some candy hearts was all it took to satisfy your innocent little heart. And it was fun simply to acknowledge having one another in our lives. No fancy dinner reservations required. No future plans to get married needed to give a girl some chocolate.

Sure, if you’ve found the love of your life (and you both need to be equal participants in this conclusion) then go ahead and go crazy. I hope you come home that night to a rose petal trail that leads to your man in a candle lit bubble bath. Cause for the record, that would be my idea of celebrating.

But what if you haven’t found that person yet?

Well, so fucking what? I can think of plenty of things in my life that make me feel all warm and fuzzy. Most of which are accessories, but still… My point is, think about all the amazing people you do have in your life. And then think of all the things you’ve been able to achieve because of them. Think of all the motivation their encouragement has inspired in your life. THOSE are your real MVP’s. And I honestly cant think of a better time to tell them how much you appreciate them, in the corniest way possible. Stop making the day about you, and what you don’t have in your life, and turn it into a celebration of who you are beyond blessed to already have in it- whether its a friend, a friend with benefits, or family. If they do anything to make you a better, happier person, then use today as an opportunity to count your blessings, and show them some love. Send them a Valentine. Take your BFF for a mani/pedi. Schedule a massage for your mom. And at the end of the day, you can still have the bubble bath.

So while I do look forward to the day that I get to share this ridiculously lame holiday with my future person (I refuse to use the word “soulmate”…), I’m also not going to sit on the sidelines while I wait. Instead, I’m going to wear pink. Lots of pink. And eat chocolate. Lots of fucking chocolate. That I will have bought for myself. And I’m going to take that bubble bath (…but to be fair, I probably wont be solo on that one). And for those that have made me a better person this year- my real MVP’s- you better check your mailbox. Because cheesy Valentine’s Day humor is on the way.

So take the pressure off yourself this Valentine’s Day. And anyone else who may be in your life currently. Stop using the day as a tool to define your relationships. And just enjoy the day for what it is- a day of love. For anyone, and everyone.

Except for our Ex’s, of course.

#SorryNotSorry

So Happy Valentine’s Day, dolls! Because above all, however you choose to spend it, or whomever you spend it with, I hope the day is just as beautiful as you are.

X

#BombshellCode, Beauty, Blogger Style, Dating, Fashion, Spring 2016

It’s a Date.

May 2, 2016 Liberata Leave a comment

Few things bring can be as terrifying as the challenge of determining what to wear on a first date.

I mean… except for the actual first date itself, of course.

But seriously- think about all the pressure that goes into one little outfit. This could be the man you’ve been waiting your entire life for. Or he could be a total idiot. Either way, you’ll be saying a lot about who you are simply by what you have on.

And who you are is a confident, sexy, bad ass woman.

Yasssss, girl, I see you!

Okay, but how exactly does a confident, sexy, bad ass woman dress? Well… that’s the thing. There’s no set definition anymore. Think about the last time someone walked into a room and you really felt their presence. Chances are when you picture them now, you’re not focused on what they had on, but rather the confidence, or power they exuded. You know right away that this person has complete control.

In other words, they’re secure.

They know who they are, and exactly what they have to offer.

As a result, what they’re wearing is simply a reflection of that security- and not a source of validation for it.

More importantly, these individuals aren’t dressing for you or anyone else, seeing that approval is the last thing they need. And that is exactly how getting ready for a date should be.

So now back to my original question- what are you going to wear?? I know that telling you anything is pretty much fair game these days doesn’t help much. But I do think having a firm understanding of how you want to feel does. First dates are already stressful enough. The desire to be the best “you” is understandable. And as much as we hate thinking of a first date like a job interview, it kinda is…

So we have to prepare for both the same way: with honest confidence.

Yep- the key word here is “honest”. In other words, throwing on a short revealing dress will almost certainly gain his attention. And probably everyone else’s too. Now, if that’s who you are, then you own that. With no apologies. I mean zero. I will never tear a girl down who is simply staying true to who she is. And if you’re a girl that loves to flaunt her curves then I support that. But if this is NOT you, then you need to back away from the bodycon dresses. At least for now. There’s plenty of time for that down the road.

So what I’m saying is- keep it casual. That’s right. This fashionista is actually telling you to keep it simple. Well, more like simple-ish. And just to clarify, casual does not mean you can look like you’re on your way to yoga. Even if that is who you are. (Unless of course your first date is actually going to yoga….) Because even a first date deserves the respect of effort on your behalf.

Effort = Interest

So what is considered casual?

First of all, casual should be looked at as an overall tone of the look, and not a uniform. Its a style that is literally in the styling itself. Casual can mean jeans and a t-shirt…. except the t-shirt is knotted to expose just the slightest hint of skin. Meaning, its a look that combines equal parts of both naturally sexy and effortlessly chic. As women, this is something we ALL have. Think of all the times you’ve heard men talk about how much more beautiful we are without makeup (lies…). Or how amazing we look in the morning when we first wake up (more lies…). Maybe we do… Maybe we don’t… Either way, I believe these opinions are based off of something deeper than simply the existence of one’s outer beauty. They’re seeing something more honest. Raw. Vulnerable. And that’s incredibly sexy to men. Because guess what- the real you is sexy. Yes girl! Eyebrows on fleek, or not. And keeping it casual on a first date is about as close as allowing a man to see you in those situations as you can get. Unless you actually wake up with him the next morning. Which would be frowned upon…

Though I’m still not casting any judgement.

So now the fun part…..

A personal list of my favorite coveted date night looks, perfect for just about any situation or mood. Find one that speaks to you and give it a shot. Because while I cant promise the guy wont turn out to be a total idiot, I CAN say these looks are positively fool-proof….

Denim

Ripped, skinny, boycut- they ALL work. Studies have shown this is the look men love the most. Not that we care. Because we wear what WE want to wear. So if you’re a denim kind of girl, this is all you.

Blazers & Cut-Off’s

Admit it- who doesnt love showing a little leg? But just like everything else in life, the key is balance. So go ahead. Throw on your shortest shorts. Just top off the look with a casual tee or tank. Add a blazer. And boom- you’re the girl next store, with a 401K. Now who doesn’t want that??

Dresses

The classic staple. And spring nights just beg for a flirty, flowing dress. If ultra feminine is your thing, then a romantic little dress is all it takes.

Leather

For my rocker babes. Because you like a little edge with your romance. Though a rebel at heart, deep down you’re a lover- not a fighter.

Bohemian

My personal favorite. Because I believe all a girl really needs in life is sangria and Free People.

Straight From Work

We’ve all been there. You’re running late, or maybe you’re just a boss bitch. But like any true hustler, you know how to make it work when you need some time to play and you’re short on time. A quick change of accessories and its game on…

Slay.

White/Black

Nothing basic or boring here. You just know how to keep things classy. I ain’t mad atcha… He wont be either.

Hair/Makeup

And finally, that last finishing touch. As you may already know, now is not the time to try any new looks. Tempting as it is to try something different, this rarely turns out to be a good idea in this particular situation. For instance, if you’re not someone who wears false lashes on the regular, don’t. Just don’t. And this applies to anything else you may be thinking about extending, enlarging or contouring.

Less is truly more here.

You’re welcome.

And there you have it ladies. Come hither looks that should be as effortless as your potential relationship.

No smokey eye required. No cleavage necessary.

Now get your fine self out there and turn some heads.

And steer clear of the idiots.

And remember that when all else fails in love, there’s still sangria and Free People.

______________________________

X

#BombshellCode, Confessions, Dating, Sorry I'm No Sorry

What came first, the relationship or the egg?

March 28, 2016 Liberata Leave a comment

Okay, so forgive the Easter pun here.

But since today’s holiday is basically centered around the idea of someone rising from the dead, I cant think of anything that’s harder for our generation to believe in than…

love.

Its true- we find the idea of love harder to grasp than the idea of someone rising from the dead. Because we also happen to be a generation where many find entertainment in preparing for a zombie apocalypse. So not only do we believe in it, we’re pretty much banking on it.

And honestly, the odds of me surviving an apocalypse are probably far better than my odds of getting married. Or at least, getting married one time and having that marriage last forever. And that’s pretty discouraging considering my only plan for zombie survival involves barricading myself in Barney’s, and happily living out the rest of my existence in couture. If time permits, I might even hit up a liquor store beforehand.

No, really- that’s pretty much my plan. So if you want to join me, bring food.

But back to my original point- Today, its love that has somehow become the miracle, where we need to see it to truly believe it.

But how will we even know it when we see it? In other words, what comes first- the relationship, or the love? Being someone that was raised on the idea that loves come first, I’ve pretty much gone through life expecting to meet someone, and somehow just knowing that they were “the one”. You know, the whole “love at first sight” theory. Except it hasn’t happened yet. So its made me think that maybe love isn’t something that is quite so instant and obvious. Maybe love is something that is brought slowly to life over the course of a relationship, through a series of shared experiences and consistency. In which case, maybe love is simply the byproduct of trust?

So what does happen when we meet someone? Maybe its not love at first sight, but its something, right? There has to be some reason that makes you want to continue seeing someone. Or at the very least, continue to eat food with them (since that’s what a lot of dating is). Maybe it is love at first sight, or… maybe its just lust. Or maybe, there’s just something about them, recognizable only to you. Researchers have suggested pheromones could be the culprit- apparently we all have our own unique scent, that only our “person” is able to detect. So not only do you have a fingerprint, you also have an “odorprint”. Which means love could literally be in the air between two people. Romantic? Yes. Helpful? Not so much, since sniffing someone is considered rude. Plus, these scents are generally undetectable, and only reach us on a subconscious level.

Moving on.

Maybe many of us have simply lost our belief in love as a result of our unrealistic expectations? Everything about our society today is based on instant gratification. Results need to be immediate for anything to be considered a victory. Where patience was once considered a virtue, its now no longer something we’ll even consider. We invest in liposuction over a gym membership, fast food over cooking, texts over phone calls, and one night stands over relationships. So why wouldn’t our feelings eventually begin to work on the same demanding schedule? Instead of getting to know someone over time, and slowly falling in love with the person for who they really are, we force the process and “fall in love” with the idea of who we want them to be.

I think I’m on to something here…

Going from personal experience, I have been a victim of this pattern countless times. And I’ll justify my use of the word “victim” here in just a second. You see, I’m not a serial dater. I just don’t see the benefit in dating more than one person at a time. One, its hard enough for me to find time to properly adult most days, let alone play games. Two, I actually enjoy learning about someone. And Three, I believe above all we need to actually be the person we want to date. So I’ll invest time with someone until it no longer works out. And this is where the word “victim” comes in. Because usually it stops working once the man I’m seeing slowly starts to morph into the man he actually is. He reverts. The impressive standard he set in the beginning with his actions begins to drastically lower. His priorities start to include things that were never a factor before. Words stop becoming actions. And finally, the things that were so consistent initially are now irrelevant. Usually the magic words “I love you” have been spoken at this point- probably as a way to deflect attention from everything else that is disappointing you. Except I never say “I love you” back- instead, I walk away.

There was no love at first sight, and there was no love created over time. In other words- he wasn’t “the one”. And no one should ever remain with someone because it feels better to them than being alone. Or because its convenient. Or worse- because you think its the kind of relationship you deserve. Obviously, its not fair to either party. But more importantly, being with the wrong person actually IS worse than being alone. Staying with the wrong person means you’re eliminating any possibility of meeting the person who IS everything you want. And that’s the most exciting idea to someone who is single. Regardless of whether love is instant or not, it is something you deserve.

So while I cant be sure what comes first- the love, or the relationship- I DO know that the presence of it is all that really matters. So keep dating. Stay positive. Have fun. Don’t let the pressures of how you think love is supposed to work determine your worth to anyone- including yourself. Walk away from anything that doesn’t make you happy.

Because when you keep your heart open and available to it, love will eventually find you. And just like your “odorprint” it will be up to you, and only you, to recognize it.

X

#BombshellCode, Bohemian, Confessions, Gypsy Soul, Sorry I'm No Sorry

Cancel and Continue

January 1, 2016 Liberata Leave a comment

…

I’m on the pursuit of happiness…

New Years is always an interesting time. Some see it as an ending, others a new beginning. Both as a fresh start. Or, you just see it as an opportunity to buy a new outfit, drink champagne and make out in public acceptably.

I personally am all for the new dress part.

But above all, I see it as a time of reflection. A way to summarize how I’ve grown by the lessons I learned. And with that comes a chance to develop an action plan. Call it a Bucket List for personal growth. For instance, some days I think I have this whole adulting thing nailed. I made it to work, I drank actual water, AND I did laundry. Go me. And then there are days where I eat ice cream straight from the container with the freezer open and refuse to put on pants. And in all honesty- that will most likely be my game plan tomorrow. But pants or no pants, I’d still like to think that I’ve evolved into a slightly better version of myself over the last year. That I’ve gained a slightly higher awareness of who I am, what I can contribute, and who I still have yet to be.

Its called acceptance.

And its not easy.

Its not easy to accept that you spent another year dating guys that broke your heart. Its not easy to accept that you didn’t make time for that epic roadtrip to California. And its definitely not easy to accept that you lost some friends along the way, and you’re not even sure why.

But it happened. All of it. And you have to stop asking why. Life is too short for that.

And start asking: How are you going to use this to learn? To grow? To be better? To try harder?

And, most importantly, is this the year you’re finally going to stop kissing douchebags? Probably not, but still….

And so New Year’s is the time you take all the things that happened over the last year, the good AND the bad, and you put it behind you. And you carry on with only the lessons. Pants, or no pants.

You cancel and continue.

Below are the lessons I’m taking with me into the new year. And who knows, maybe this will be the year I finally meet someone, creating the most electric “Power Couple” since Becks and Posh.

Or maybe I’ll keep eating ice cream in my underwear.

Either way, I’ll be just fine…

And you will be too.

…

And now, my observations from my always beautiful-yet-slightly-confusing pursuit of happiness thus far….

Do what makes you happy. Whatever it is. People will criticize you either way. Accept it, erase it, and move on. It usually has nothing to do with you, but is rather a reflection of their own unhappiness.

Look for the highlight of your day, every day. Some are harder to find than others, but I promise- there will be at least one moment, every day, where you’ll find happiness in simply being alive. And that alone is worth it all.

Let it be. Whatever it is you’re holding on to- hurt, resentment, jealousy. Its in the past now. Keep it there.

Live in the present. In everything you do. Living in the past leads to depression. And waiting on the future creates anxiety. But being in the now could be pure magic- should you allow it.

My mother is my best friend. As I get older, it becomes increasingly clear how defining her love and guidance has been, and continues to be, in my life. Her love for me continues to amaze me. As does her patience.

Figure out what defines you. And own it. Then figure out how you can use it to help others.

You are enough. Whoever you are at this moment. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Walk away from anyone who makes you doubt your worth.

Trust your gut. If you’re still in doubt, Google it.

If it doesn’t make sense, its probably not true. Its as simple as that.

Wear your heart on your sleeve. Don’t be afraid of who you are. Or how you feel. The people that are meant to be in your life will only value you more for it.

At the same time, knowledge is power. Be careful with what you dispense to others. And remember that those who talk to you, will talk about you.

Be the person you want to date. If you want honestly, give it. If you want love, exude it. If you want a one night stand, go on Tinder.

Say what you mean, mean what you say. Even those with nothing still have the value of their word. Don’t cheapen yourself. Or sell yourself short.

When in doubt, over-dress. Always.

Give. Whatever you can. As much as you can. Even if its just your time, I promise that there is someone out there who needs it.

Get to know your body. Love every inch of it. Do everything you can to take care of it. And let no one disrespect it. It is the greatest tool you will ever own.

Stop saying “I’m sorry” all the time. Save it for the times when you truly mean it. People will take it a lot more seriously.

Slow down. You will be amazed at all the incredible things around you, literally ALL THE TIME… if you just take a minute to see them. People ARE still good. Miracles DO happen. And wishes DO come true.

With the right chemistry, kissing is bliss. And cuddling is heaven. But doing either with just anyone will only leave you feeling cheated.

Choose wisely. When faced with a difficult decision, ask yourself which consequence you would rather live with. Go with that one.

Perception is reality. So pay attention. Make sure that the projection of your own self is something you’re happy with.

Remain optimistic. Especially with love. You’re going to get hurt. But don’t let it make you cynical. Keep your heart open. But protect it with all you got.

Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. The race is long. And in the end, its only with yourself.

If a boy wants to see you, he will see you. That goes for calling, texting and any other form of communication including smoke signals. End of story.

Make some art. Whatever art is to you. Do it. Indulge in your creativity. It is the most personal and unique imprint you can leave behind. It will also most likely be the most cherished after you are gone.

Find someone you can be free with. Sexually, emotionally, physically, spiritually- and go fucking WILD.

But….

Be careful with who you exchange energy with. You can give a lot away while seeing very little in return. Reevaluate anyone or anything in your life that consistently leaves you feeling drained. Cut your losses and move on.

Learn how to communicate again. Stop texting. Be authentic. Make time to be genuine to those you care about.

Not everyone is going to know how to receive your energy. Make peace with that and move on. Never dull your shine for the sake of someone else.

Don’t be scared. Or anything. Or anyone.

Be kind. It will always be better to build someone up, rather than tear them down.

Travel. There are some lessons that can only be learned by taking yourself out of your comfort zone. These will be the lessons you will appreciate the most.

People change. Some for the good, some not so much. Only you can decide which one. Then keep it to yourself. Not everyone will take the same path as you. And that’s a beautiful thing.

Smile. Even when you think you cant, you can. Not only will you feel better, but you might help someone else out too. A lot of great things started with just a smile…

It really is the simple things. I’m talking about nature. Watch a meteor shower. Go to the beach at night. Hike every chance you get. Your soul will thank you.

Bob Marley’s 3 Little Birds. Live it, learn it, love it. Make it your anthem. Listen to it in the morning. Let it set the standard for your day.

Most of the apologies you’re waiting to hear will never happen. Forgive them anyways. At the same time, ask yourself if anyone is waiting on yours.

Its okay to be single. Its also okay to feel lonely at times. Both are temporary.

And finally-

You have done SO much better than you give yourself credit for. At the end of the day…or year, in this case, we all have things we wish we could change. Or do over. Or do again. There are people we will miss. And people we hope we never see again. But when you break it all down, and see all the experiences you went through, I hope it hits you-

You’re still here.

You survived. And you came out a stronger, better, wiser person for it.

So keep trying. Keep fighting. Keep believing in love. Keep planning your roadtrip. Keep banning pants. And above all, keep being a good person. Because if for nothing else, go into the new year believing this-

For whatever you put out, the universe will give you back 3 fold in return.

Its the Law of Attraction, darling.

And I’m all about that life.

Now go drink some champagne, cheers to life, and manifest something amazing for yourself.

And have a fabulous New Year- may it be your best year yet.

#BombshellCode

X

#BombshellCode, Dating, Sorry I'm No Sorry

“Why Are You Still Single?”

November 5, 2015 Liberata Leave a comment

…

Recently, I read an article about a teacher who quit her job after no longer being able to withstand modern teaching methods. She watched as her students struggled and became frustrated when they were all forced to learn the same methods, the same way, at the same time. The students who weren’t able to grasp concepts the same way as others who picked them up quickly felt like there was something wrong with them. They wanted to learn- it wasn’t for lack of effort- they just needed a different process. And preferring to look like the “bad kid” instead of the “stupid kid”, they would act out. Or, they would simply give up all together.

I couldn’t help but notice the similarities with dating these days.

In a culture where everything is instant, socially broadcast and easily replaced, its easy to figure out who’s in love…. and who’s single. Its also equally easy to feel the pressure of your status more than ever- because apparently, it says A LOT about you. Accurate or not.

And as someone happily residing in Singleville, I. Am. Over. It.

As I’ve mentioned before, in my group of friends, I’m “that girl“. Notoriously single, and rather comfortable with it, I’m used to being questioned and prodded by my friends like a circus monkey. I cant really blame them- my dating life is WAY more comical than anything you’ll find on Netflix. And I don’t mind dishing. Plus, it kinda helps me cope with the trauma from bad dates with clueless fuck boys. Yes, wine and laughter really does cure ALL.

But as open as I am about my failed romances- and I use that term loosely- there is one question that I find not only unnecessary, but offensive:

Why are you still single?

Um, gee, well, it might be that chain letter I never forwarded back in 1998. Or my inability to cook. Or maybe, totally unbeknownst to me, I’m actually insane. Plus, I kinda dig cats. Oh, and I’m also vegetarian?

Or maybe- how about this: What business is it of yours?

To me, asking someone why they’re single is really just a polite way of asking what’s wrong with them. Like my current status in life is so horrible and unimaginable, there must be SOME reasonable explanation. This is when people usually reply with bullshit answers to avoid pity and make them look less grotesque and more human: I work too much… I’m just focusing on me right now… I’m waiting for Adam Levine to become available again (please God!!)… So, just to keep things fair, I usually just answer the question with another question:

How are you still not?

Pow. And this is the exact moment where everyone can grab their popcorn and wait for the shit show to begin. Because apparently asking someone for a reasonable explanation on how they’ve managed to find someone to put up with their flaws is frowned upon.

And that right there is what we call a double standard.

You get my point? I’m not damaged goods. I’m not unlovable. And I’m certainly not crazy. I’m not anything but me. Like the frustrated kids in class, I’m simply operating on a different system. And while my system may not be the same as yours, I’ll still get the right answer.

(And by the way- is it not complete irony that I was in all Honors classes??)

My point is, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. There’s no dark and twisty past. No fear of commitment. Except maybe to the wrong guy. So what if I haven’t followed a pre-determined timeline of dating, by basic methods, where the final exam is marriage. The SAT’s of love. And let me just say- there are quite a few of you that have already failed that one miserably.

Maybe I’m fine taking all the prep courses I can for now. So when the time comes to apply all that knowledge, I’ll knock it clear out of the park.

Maybe, while everyone else is cheating off each other’s papers, I’m simply concentrating on my own. On my time. My way.

And maybe… just maybe, I actually care so much about it, that I want to be the best one in the class. The Valedictorian of my life.

And in all honesty, looking back, my time being single has never been time wasted. I am someone who is constantly evolving. Constantly learning. Probably more so than others. And there has been no greater teacher than my time with my own self. And while I’m not saying there aren’t things to discover with the help of someone else, I am saying that you need to know yourself first. Cause any relationship prior to that isn’t a relationship at all- its a distraction.

So in case you haven’t caught on yet- being single has nothing to with anyone but ME. Forget the god awful quotes you read on Tumbler. You know which ones I’m talking about…

Yeah. Exactly. Stop posting that ridiculous shit. “Amazing” should be a no-brainer. It should be the bare minimum of traits in your significant other. It should not need a Pinterest board to remind you- or anyone else– of that. Instead, remind yourself of your own amazing attributes. They are SO much more interesting.

As we grow, we go through our own personal life experiences at different times. Our first date… Our first kiss… Our first love… Our second… Some people go on to Grad School. Some never even finish High School. These are the very factors that make each of us so beautifully unique. So why should anything else have an expiration date. There are no numbers stamped on me that say “Best by ##/##/####”. And yet here we all are, happily going on about our days, doing the best we can, trying to achieve our own goals. So just like all the other beautiful, unique factors that make you YOU, who is anyone to determine the timeline for all the things still to come?

So the next time someone asks why you’re still single- tell them the truth.

That you’re not single.

You’re fine.

In fact, you’re more than just fine-

You’re fabulous.

#BombshellCode

(Although I might start forwarding those chain letters- just in case… ;))

X

Confessions, Dating, Sorry I'm No Sorry

Online Dating- Welcome to Hell

August 24, 2015 Liberata 1 Comment

If you have found yourself single at any point in time during this last century, then you have no doubt put yourself through the ultimate form of social torture we call online dating.

You also probably did this because you heard about a friend of a friend, who somehow found the man of their dreams this way. They bonded over their mutual love for wine tastings and cooking, and the wedding is this fall. Apparently, it was love at first site. Its the adult urban legend.

But that was all you needed to hear as you mentally wrote out your “About Me”. You picture someone with the charm of George Clooney and the abs of Channing Tatum reaching out to you, begging to take you out for dinner. Obviously it will be love at first sight, and blissfully you’ll delete your accounts, together, while watching the sunset. And then YOU will be the next success story, told by your friend to another friend.

Except it hardly ever works out that way. Let me just clarify that for you now.

Now, I’m not saying there aren’t success stories. There really are people in my life getting married as a result. Think of the toast- “It all began when John sent Jane a wink…”. But I AM saying that there are a lot of horror stories that you must first be willing to subject yourself to first.

In a world oversaturated by social media, we could only expect that our love lives would eventually become involved. It is no longer suspected, but rather expected now that before a first date, your name has already been googled, your Facebook stalked, and all previous boyfriends sized up.

And as a result, your first impression was made looooong before you even set eyes on each other.

Suddenly it doesn’t seem so romantic now, does it?

As you may have already guessed, I myself am on a dating site. Though I am slightly unusual in the sense that I only belong to one. Current statistics will show most people join at least 3. I’m not sure where exactly people find the time for that, but I applaud their efforts (that is, hopefully, its effort and not just the desperation to get laid). Like most young professionals, I made the decision to join because I was “busy”. And MAJORLY over the bar scene. Plus, it seemed like a harmless way to put yourself out there without having to actually put yourself out there. At first it was kind of like window shopping for men.

It. Was. Awesome.

I could look all I wanted, communicate only if I was interested, and ultimately save myself A LOT of time. And bad dates.

Except men aren’t shoes. And judging someone off of a self-written profile is about as stupid as believing their pictures accurately describe how they will really look in person. No, seriously. I learned pretty quickly that 6 ft really means 5’10. Athletic Build really means Average, and Average really means A Few Extra Pounds. Oh- and 36 sometimes meant he’s turning 40 next month. Sometimes even 45 (ew…). But even if all the information wasn’t totally accurate, it was still enough to paint a general picture of someone in my mind. It was still enough for me to decide whether or not I wanted to try him on for size, so to speak. And as a result, I found myself becoming way too critical, judging men solely on their looks and/or jobs. Receiving tons of messages, I responded only to those that met my standards. And that was exactly how I realized my standards were bullshit.

So its no surprise that the dates I did go on were terrible. Well, most of them. I actually did meet some great people, some of which are still good friends. But in all fairness- I didn’t join to make friends. I joined for the hope of meeting “the one”. My potential other half. Because I want to be part of a true Power Couple- both hustling and living their dreams, together.

But all I really found were the exact types of men I purposely avoided in my day to day life: men that were womanizers, men that just wanted to get laid, men that were rebounding, men that were lazy… and even men that were only looking for green cards. And yes- you read that right.

So why do we continue to use them? Well that’s easy- because we have no other choice. The days of meeting your future husband in the grocery store are over. You can stop fantasizing about running into him in line at Starbucks. Forget locking eyes with him at Happy Hour. And why is that? Because he will most likely be looking at his phone, checking his inbox, flirting with 15 different girls on his 3 separate accounts, musing about who will put out first as he breezes right past you. Or because you’ll be too busy looking at yours, texting the same loser for the last week who’s really just too uninterested in you to commit to an actual date to even notice anyone else. Because we no longer live in the present, and instead fixate on any other form of communicating with one another other than actual communication.

And so even though my results have been less than impressive, my profile still exists. Even if its only for the sake of dating etiquette- if you’re single, its expected. In fact, its really the only way to declare yourself as “available” to others. Because its the only way people even know how to even inquire.

And really- because I still believe in the possibility.

That’s right.

Just the other night that belief was reaffirmed when I took a chance and met someone for coffee. I was already exhausted, and it would have been easy for me just to pass. But at the same time, I knew if I didn’t continue to try, I might as well just accept a life full of being exhausted now. And I’m NOT the girl who quits. And guess what? For the first time in a long time I was able to simply enjoy ones company. No drinking, no bragging, no interview-style questions. Just two people, in the moment, with the simple desire to learn more about one another (and in the end, maybe rip each others clothes off too- lets be serious here). And while there’s no telling where it will go, and too early to even guess, it was enough to restore my faith in the whole process. Enough to believe we are still capable of focusing on one individual, and for the right reasons. That we can still communicate, person to person. That we can connect- and in so many amazing ways (ways that your phone certainly cant do for you…). And while I still have visions of deleting my profile for good, it wont be because I simply gave up- It will be an act of no longer declaring myself as available. Sunset optional.

X

#BombshellCode, Confessions, Dating, Model Life, Sorry I'm No Sorry

LUSTstoned – Style… or Substance?

August 3, 2015 Liberata 1 Comment

…

LUSTstoned

Having promised to always be honest with you, I’ll admit that I can be a little… superficial. I’ve chosen style over practicality (and rationalism) many times. I mean, come on- have you seen my shoes?? So its no surprise that I’m probably guilty of choosing the men I date in the same fashion. See what I did there?

I like the bad boys. The rockstars. The charismatic ones that specialize in seducing. And ultimately destroying. They’re charming, passionate, and intriguing. Their sex appeal is intoxicating. Being the object of desire to these men is like slipping into a brand new pair of Louboutin’s. Convinced I can match they’re complexity, it gives me a natural high. I’m not love stoned- I’m LUST stoned. I call these men “enigmatic”. You, on the other hand, would probably call them an asshole. I will eventually end up calling them that too. Except its usually after the storm. And just like hurricanes, they each have their own name. Some are more catastrophic than others. But the same warning signs are always there. And I’m the idiot that refuses to evacuate and later needs to be airlifted to safety. And by airlifted, I mean drink wine and vowing to never date again. Until the next one comes along. Because who knows- maybe he could really be the one??

LOL. Right.

I think I’ve been too busy treating men like accessories.

So here’s the real question- Why?

Well, before we can even try to answer that, lets get to the good stuff first. A look at a few of my recent examples. After all, if this is going to turn into a case study, you should be equipped with the proper information. That, or at the very least, it will bring you some great entertainment.

CASE STUDY #1: Hurricane Rockstar

Hands down, the Rockstar is, and always will be, my personal drug of choice. There’s something about a man with a guitar that eliminates all logic in my body and replaces it with pure stupidity. And like a true addict, I’ve dabbled in every field. From coffee house crooners, to Grammy winning A-Listers, they all leave me unable to process and react to their actions the way I would with other men. Instead, I chalk up their bad behavior to their bad boy way of life. Like being a musician of any sort gives them a get-out-of-jail-free card for being a dick. They’re not being unreasonable and selfish- they’re brooding and mysterious. They’re not broke- they’re starving artists, refusing to give up on their passion. Its endearing. Its admirable. Its sexy.

ITS ALSO A FUCKING JOKE.

And I’m proud to say my last rockstar was the one that finally landed me in rehab. For good. Unlike Amy Winehouse, I was screaming, “Yes, Lord, YASSSSSS!”. You see, I have this ridiculous habit of giving people way more credit than they deserve. I’m totally ignorant in the sense that I believe the person they are presenting to me is who they really are. And above all, I truly believe they are simply incapable of being cruel to me. Until they are. Yes, I’m that stupid. Or that hopeful. I’m not sure which yet. But I DO know this- when someone share’s your personal conversations for another woman to respond to, you need to erase that person from your life. Immediately. Because they either have the maturity of a 13 year old, the respect of a 5 star douchebag, or severe self-esteem issues. Because nothing remains more true than this- hurt people hurt people. All it takes is one very harsh look at reality, and an intelligent, handsome rockstar morphs instantly into someone who probably doesn’t care much about anyone but himself. And while I may be clueless with men, I am ON POINT with my standards in love.

With the quality of people I want in my life.

And, above all, the respect I deserve.

So in conclusion, someone so unhappy with their own life has absolutely no place in mine, guitar or not. Case closed.

CASE STUDY #2: Hurricane Full of Shit

I’m ashamed to even be talking about this one. Really. And I’m inviting any of you to come and slap me for even entertaining this tool as long as I did. And here, gentlemen, is where I will dispense the greatest piece of dating advice a girl can offer-

Never, EVER set the standard of the first date higher than what you plan to maintain after.

Case in point: Yacht Boy (as I shall refer to him) had pursued me for a while. Seeing him as wholesome and serious, I of course dodged every attempt like Mayweather in the ring. But he never quit. And as fate would have it, I ran into him one night. We ended up talking- really talking. And much to my surprise, we had a lot in common. It was then that I started to realize that maybe all the things about him I had initially run from were exactly what I needed. He was going to be out of town for a while, but we agreed to get together as soon as he got back. Of course, during his time away, we texted and shared pictures. Not of our bodies, but of our actual lives. Things that were important. It was…. nice.

We made plans for the day he returned home. Yep, you read that right. I wont lie- it felt incredibly good to have someone that was so excited to see me. He literally was driving, across states, to take me out. Understandably, he ended up running a little late. Given the effort, I didn’t mind one bit. When he picked me up (Yes, you also read THAT right- picked me up) he apologized, explaining that upon his arrival home, he was greeted to absolutely no power at his place. Wanting to keep his plans with me, he simply showered (a very cold shower in a very dark bathroom) and was out the door. Everything else he would deal with later. Whoa. Wait. Say what?? I’ve had to ask guys to change into actual jeans just to go out, because no, joggers are not acceptable date attire. And this guy risked hypothermia for me? And think about shaving- I knick myself just looking at a razor, let alone sliding it along my body in the dark. So I’m thinking this guy is even an absolute gentlemen, or a total fucking idiot.

Idiot would eventually win. It always does.

So as you probably guessed, we had a great date. So much so it led to a second date. At his place. With power, of course. Wanting to show off his culinary skills, he cooked a full course dinner and even made homemade ice cream for me. I know, I know- its almost too good. We would see each other a few more times after that, but something started to happen. Or, everything started to happen. To him. It seemed like making plans were impossible because he was sick. Or going out of the country. Or out of state. Or a family member had died. Or multiple. No really. Like, 2 in one week, I believe? Now, I might be a total asshole for saying this, but I call Bullshit. You’re either a terrible liar, or the unluckiest person around. Either way, its safe to say that you just got filed back into my “No Thank You” file. But EVERY FREAKIN TIME I shut that damn thing, he would come along, and say something to get my attention. Again. He knew how to keep me at just the right distance to string me along. And so the cycle began. He would set something up. I would believe him. Because he couldn’t possibly do it again. And then HE WOULD DO IT AGAIN. In fact, at the end, I think the only real reason I would even agree to see him was just to prove myself right about him. That he was a liar. And finally I summoned the courage to point out to him what I had already accepted. I reminded him of his effort on our first date. That he had set his own standard when it came to me. That he had kept his word and put me first when we set plans. And that he had failed miserably in ever reaching it again.

And I don’t date failures.

Bye, Felicia. Another case closed.

CASE STUDY #3: Hurricane HeadCase

I wont go into too much detail with this guy. Because unlike the others, this one actually hurt me. The others were comical (after the fact) and were certainly valuable lessons. But this one- I cant really explain what happened. Or why. Other than to say that some people are just bad. And probably have bigger issues going on in their lives than we will ever understand. You see, this was the guy that made the effort. And then went beyond it. When we talked, he didn’t just listen to me- he took notes. And would surprise me with things later. Like my favorite movie. Or a pillow I saw in a shop when we were out on a casual stroll. When I was sick, he made hour long trips just to bring me soup and ice cream- only to then snuggle me, letting me fall asleep on his lap. When it got too late, he would take me to bed, and would leave only after I had fallen asleep. One of the last times I saw him, we watched the sunset at the beach and downloaded stargazing aps. We spent the rest of the night talking about like and looking at constellations, among a few other late night beach activities. It was also the night he told me how he “really, really, really, really, really, really wanted this to work”. And I did too. No question about it. He told me what he needed from me, and I agreed.

And then he disappeared.

He went total ghost. It was, quite honestly, one of the most indescribable feelings to experience. A little anger, a little disbelief, a little sadness. All mixed with confusion. And hurt. It was a definitive moment where I had opened myself up. Became a little vulnerable. And let the walls down just a bit. And got smacked down hard. And all because I actually believed him. And started to explore my feelings towards him. And why wouldn’t I?

Easy- because I’m a normal, compassionate, loving human being. I don’t promise rose gardens to unsuspecting victims. I don’t stir up feelings in individuals just to stroke my own ego. And I certainly do not intentionally hurt others just to fill some void in my life. Maybe he was unhappy, and I was a temporary cure. When his ego was sufficiently inflated, there was no longer room for me. I’m sure whatever the reason was, it was justifiable to him. Otherwise, I believe I would have gotten an “I’m sorry” at one point. But like most sociopaths, I know now that day will never come.

So as much as I would like to blame all these guys, the obvious similarity they all have…. is me. So it brings me to my original question- do I choose these men because I truly see them as potential partners. Or are they all just glittery accessories, comfortable in the sense that I already have a good idea how it will end. And therefore, I never have to get too invested. I never need to get to a point where I can see them as a Potential Maybe, instead of a Inevitable Storm.

Personally, I think in the end, I’m still hoping for the Potential Maybe, that’s just lost in the Inevitable Storm. The storms we as females all have to go through. Because like a good margarita, I doubt we would appreciate the sweet nearly as much without the sour.

#BombshellCode

X

#BombshellCode, Confessions, Dating, Intro, Model Life

Confessions: Intro

July 15, 2015 Liberata Leave a comment

…

Confession 1:

The Intro

…

Yes, yes- I know. I promised you when this fabulous site first launched that I would be open and honest about my own personal love life. And I think now is the perfect time to begin that process.

You see, a very large motivating factor for this very site is my perpetual habit of choosing men that are SO wrong for me. Like, really wrong. Like, so wrong that my own Mom gave up any kind of hope a long time ago. And lets be honest- if I made logical decisions on whom I dated, I doubt I would be nearly as interesting. Or scarred (literally). And think of all the awesome experiences I would have missed out on. Like finding out the guy you’ve been dating for a month is married. Or being bit by an overly intoxicated date (I really wasn’t joking about the scar). And then there’s the closet Jesus freak that compared me to a prostitute (thank you POF!). How about the guy that freaked out on me, and then blamed it on his preventative hair-loss medication…

By now, I have enough experience to supply complete storylines for at least 3 movies. Except none of them come with Fairytale endings. Yet. No, they’re probably more like horror films. And clearly I’m like the dumb, slutty blonde character that always dies in the end because she runs the (very obvious) wrong way.

You would think I’d learn by now…

Which brings me to my topic.

After years of dating, and with no real relationships to really show for it, it makes me wonder- Are we all willing to keep putting ourselves out there because we’re addicted to love? Or just the rush of dating to find someone better?

Lets go back to the old boring way people used to do it. There was no internet, no texting, no Joe Manganiello. I mean, that’s enough right there for me to hate things. But yet, I think people were at their happiest when it came to dating. They didn’t have a whole world of potential partners to choose from- they had their hometown. They didn’t initiate contact with weeks of texting before “hanging out”. They went on actual dates. Together. Without any prior knowledge of each other that they gathered from Facebook and Google. Like, whoa.

And for those still not quite sure what this mythical term means, “Dating” was considered a formal act of courtship. A clear first step in determining if you guys were going to get hitched down the road. They went to places like drive-ins. Probably because the only action they could even hope for HAD to take place during the actual date itself- because going home with the other person at the end of the night wasn’t even an option. Hence why you actually had to GO TO PLACES SPECIFICALLY TO MAKEOUT. Where other couples were making out around you (Ew…). And then you waited for a phone call. Like, really waited. By a phone that was connected to a wall. For days (which would be like weeks today). And that was code for “You are now in consideration for future hitching”.

Awesome.

Take my parents, for instance- they met at a party… and never left each others side. They grew up in the same town. Met through mutual friends. Fell in love. And STAYED in love. As a bonus, they even got me out of the deal. Again- Awesome.

And since we’re on that note, lets look at me. It seems the fact that I have remained single is so unexplainable to my friends. No one can understand it. Or when I meet someone new…..

I often get stared at in wonder by family the same way people probably look at crop circles. How? Why? Should we be afraid?? After all, I come from a good, balanced family. My childhood was almost TOO perfect. There are no tragic incidents from my past to report. I have a college degree. A great career. BAD shopping habits (it cant all be sunshine and roses…). I’m healthy… Intelligent… Happy…

So…. whats wrong with me?

The answer- Absolutely nothing.

I’m just an example, or by-product even, of dating by today’s standards. Or rather, lack thereof. I’m an example of someone addicted to the thrill of the hunt and driven by personal challenge. Men are trophies. Sex is power. And feelings, if you even have any, are disposable. Terrified at the thought of missing out on someone better, I never want to get too attached.

Okay, so I’m not totally ALL of those things. Not all together. Because that would make me a frigid bitch that’s incapable of love. If anything, I’m the exact opposite. I look for it so hard that I ignore all the signs that are screaming for me to run. And yet I don’t. Because I’m the dumb blonde that always runs the wrong way, remember? But I can probably directly link one or more of those reasons to most of, if not all, of my past relationships.

And speaking of which, lets look at some of those, shall we?

*As a side note to the men of my past who might find themselves reading this- relax. Your identity is safe. This isn’t a Burn Book, and you’re not that special. But it IS my honest opinion. So deal with it.

Now, I cant possibly write about all the great ~~loves~~ of my life in one post. I feel like I would be cheating you from some pretty epic examples of “Oh no he didn’t!!” moments. And those moments are exactly what you came here for. And just to set the record straight- I’m no angel myself. But most of you probably already guessed that.

So instead, I’ll share these stories with you individually. In the form of “Confessions”. Confessions to my past addictions (also known as “men”), and the lessons that came with them. Because like any good drug, they all had some euphoric hold on me. And then eventually left me strung out and exhausted. Some even left me ashamed. Others craving another hit. Some I went multiple rounds with. Some I hope to never lay eyes on again. Ever.

So get ready. Because honesty is always the best policy….

Sorry I’m not sorry.

#BombshellCode

X

“There’s nothing wrong with getting dirty when you clean up well.”

#BombshellCode, Dating, Model Life

Going Ghost: Today’s “I’m Just Not That Into You”

July 13, 2015 Liberata Leave a comment

…

We all remember the episode. The iconic words spoken by the one and only Jack Berger to explain one of the greatest mysteries still numbing the female mind today. The mystery of dating someone you presume to be amazing. Someone who obviously finds you equally amazing. This is followed by the mystery of that very same person suddenly becoming (and staying) too busy for you. Till finally, here comes the wine filled investigation with your best P.I.’s/girlfriends on why- Maybe he really is busy? Nope. He scared of commitment? LOL. Maybe he’s sick? Wrong again. Maybe he’s out of town? Possibly- if the new town he’s visiting is named Veronica. And then of course, no girl rally is ever complete without someone fiercely declaring “It’s not you, it’s him!”. Well, that’s partially correct… because really…

“He’s just not that into you…”

And boom. Everything made sense. Just like that. 6 honest words was all it took for confused women around the globe to shove that loser out of their mind, strap on their Manolo’s, and get back in the game. No agonizing. No over analyzing. Just straight forward progression to meeting someone new. And it wasn’t because they were excited the guy didn’t like them- it was because they had CLOSURE. And logical closure at that. An understandable and relatable reason to no longer invest time or energy into someone. And then closure on your end would usually go something like this- “HE wasn’t into ME?? What an idiot. Well clearly the guy is delusional. And not to mention totally clueless on what size he actually wears. Thank God I found out now- I wonder if the Christian Grey look-a-like still goes to my Starbucks…? I need new shoes.”.

And just like that, you’re on to the next one. Not just the next one, but a sexier, funnier, smarter one. And hopefully richer. ALWAYS richer. If you’re not constantly upgrading the type of man you are dating, you are SO doing it wrong. #BombshellCode

But alas, that was then. And this… well, this is now.

Welcome to Generation Ghost.

The generation that decided just to skip the whole awkward “I’m sorry- I have to be up really early tomorrow” excuse and just straight up ignores you. This tactic can be deployed by either the male or female. Basically, whoever lost interest first, or found someone more interesting/hotter/taller/richer/dumber on Tinder. There are varying degrees of Ghosting, but in order for it to count as a full blown Ghost experience, the person must disappear out of the blue, with no logical reason or warning. I’m serious- you’re going to think they were struck by lightning. But usually a simple look at their social media will eliminate any doubt. In other words, if they can post a picture of their breakfast on Instagram, thereby confirming they still exist, but not respond to your text from 2 days ago, well… you can now consider your life the new sequel to Paranormal Activity.

…

So here comes the real question about this new phenomenon- is it good or bad? Personally, I believe the answer depends on how fast you accept it- and react to it. In one way, we have eliminated the awkward and sometimes painful last minute date cancelations. There’s no need to come up with clever excuses as to why- food poisoning/my mom is sick/I have to wash my hair/I was in a tragic car accident that left me paralyzed. Cause we all know- the more incredulous the lie, the more believable it HAS to be.

But we’re also avoiding being honest. And more importantly- communication in general. This kind of treatment can only lead to one feeling disposable. I believe that no matter what the reason, we all deserve the right to know. You don’t have to believe it, or adjust your whole life/personality as a result of it- it IS just someone’s opinion after all. Like, if someone judged me for having too many clothes, I would point and laugh, and then move on happily. To Saks. Cause NO ONE needs that kind of negativity in their life. And look at that- in addition to a new dress for your next new (hotter/richer/funnier/smarter) date, you got honesty AND closure. Fuck yeah.

But when someone goes Ghost, you have two choices. Choice #1, you can be smart and recognize it. And I mean quickly. I’m not saying you should assume this is the case because a whole day went by without a text. But I WOULD say that you should start doing damage control and accept this could be the case. What you DO NOT do is start sending text after text. Which brings us to Choice #2, refusing to accept that anyone could be dumb enough to lose interest in you. So you’re going to spend the next few weeks over analyzing, texting, and feeling bad about yourself while figuring out what you did wrong. The fact is, someone IS dumb enough to lose interest in you. And that’s exactly how you have to look at it. That’s the thing with Ghosts- there will never be solid proof. Just a bunch of urban legends as to why he disappeared.

…

Regardless of which route you take, this is the biggest challenge with Ghosting- the risk of OR belief in the Ghost coming back to life. With no closure, you can never really be sure. I mean, maybe he really WAS sick with the flu. For 3 months. With no ability to make contact cause he also had the Chicken Pox. And had to wear oven mitts. So he couldn’t text. I KNEW IT!!

Yep. He must be your Prince Charming. It just took 3 months worth of other women for him to see it.

You get my point? And just in case you’re still painfully unaware of the obvious, let me clarify- once someone goes Ghost, there is no coming back. Ever. Even Pet Cemetery couldn’t resuscitate this relationship. So exercise the demons. Preferably with a new man who actually does adore you. And puts you first. And puts all your fears of the paranormal at rest.

Take ownership and see the relationship, however long or short, for what it really was. Was it REALLY all that incredible? Or just convenient. Or maybe a little of both. Either way, chances are you’re going to look back and it will make sense as to why it didn’t work. And yes, a simple “Because he was a dick” is fine.

But finally, here is some good news with Ghosts. Unlike cheaters, ghosting is not an actual characteristic trait. So the whole “Once a cheater, always…” theory doesn’t apply here. It is still believed by both Ghost’s and Ghostees that when the right person comes along, Ghosting isn’t something to be worried about. Unless of course, he actually DOES get struck by lightning. And if that does happen, well, I would classify that as simply a case of good old fashioned karma.

So in the end, I guess we can put Ghosting in the Blessing category. Eventually. Way down the road when you’ve met The One, elusive as they may be. The real life man of your dreams who only makes excuses to spend more time with you (“Sorry Boss, I think I caught the flu….”). That’s when you can finally stop being afraid of ghosts, once and for all. And your scary dating past can become just another urban legend.

And finally, lets get back to good ol’ Jack Berger. What a piece of work this guy was. Do you remember how he broke up with Carrie? I know, I know- stupid question. Of course you do. It was the most incredible example of a douchebag you had EVER seen in your romantic life up to that point.

I’m sorry. I cant. Don’t hate me.

The Post-It. I bet it still makes you cringe. Except it shouldn’t. Not today anyways. Because we leave our own little break up Post-Its all the time. Except now we simply send them via text. So at the VERY least, thank Ghosting for saving you from having to deal with THAT.

And honestly, I have a lot to thank my own personal Ghosts for. They forced me to really look at myself and take responsibility. To grow up. And to accept that we don’t always get what we want- and that sometimes we SHOULDNT get what we want. And even more importantly, I gained the ability to take all the times that men made me feel like nothing, and then turn it into a big something. A voice. For you.

And as it turns out, I’m not as stupid as the ghosts in my life have made me feel.

And that’s the greatest self discovery of all.

So yeah- R.I.P. bitches.

X

…

#BombshellCode, Dating

Bad Blood

July 7, 2015 Liberata Leave a comment

We’ve talked about fashion. We’ve talked about music. Now its time to balance it all out and get down to the dirty.

The one topic that continues to elude us all. Because like everything else, dating is also a constantly evolving game- except now there are more players and rules then ever before.

Lets go back to basics first. Starting with the most primal, natural, gratifying part of the whole process- the chase. The act of pursuing a partner that seems completely disinterested in your now sole mission in life. Its calculated. And for some men, its even art. Seduce and destroy. Or, seduce and actually fall in love. Either way, the rules used to be clear. Gestures were grand.

It was actually kind of romantic.

But those days are gone. The only evidence that they even existed are found in Romantic Comedies. You can thank THEM for giving you an unrealistic idea of what to expect today. I mean, if you’re a bird, I’m a bird, right??

Wrong.

Had The Notebook been written today, you would have seen Noah jump on Tinder the second he was single, swiping at a feverish pace to find the next great lay. Or, instead of reading to Allie at the end, he would have just sent her texts full of emoticons. Because any real words or questions might come off as too forward. Maybe every now and then she’ll get a dick pic (that he keeps stored in his phone because he’s sent it to 5 other girls already).

Uh huh. I bet you’re all suddenly relating now.

We don’t even HAVE rules anymore. By the time anyone can really come up with some, technology changes again, or a new app is released, and suddenly its all blurry again.

For instance- can you even DEFINE dating today? In fact, it sounds stupid to even still use the word since no one really even goes on dates anymore anyways. We “hang out”. When was the last time someone actually picked you up, took you out, dropped you off, walked you to your door….? Today, everyone meets somewhere. And then we find it charming if they tell us to text them that we got home safely. See- obviously they must like you.

Nope. Sorry. That’s just someone being a decent human being. Cause the real test comes after…

How long till either of you are checking your online dating accounts? If my theories are correct, HE was probably checking it periodically through your “date”. YOU waited till at least after you sent the follow up “Just got home, had a great time, insert every emoticon under the sun except for a heart cause that’s too forward”.

And there you have it. We don’t want easy (the chase), but yet, we DO want easy. Because we know that if there is something even remotely challenging about this person, or if they don’t meet our requirements (I mean, he’s not even 6 ft!?), we can go shop online for our next date. I mean, hang out in a public place that we both drove to. Sounds like a real fairytale…

It gets worse though. Lets say you’re now dating someone that you actually really do like, “flaws” and all (5’11 is almost 6 ft, after all). But are you dating?? Like, really dating. Like, exclusively banging each others brains out 3 to 4 nights a week? I mean, we’re sleeping together, and hang out all the time, so I guess so… But he hasn’t changed his Facebook status…? And he still has his POF account…? Wait- where did he say he was going tonight?? We haven’t had “the talk” yet… Its okay- I left enough of my stuff in his bathroom to mark my territory. And yes ladies- THAT is where all your bobbie pins and hair ties go. They are sacrifices to the dating Gods to warn all potential bitches that’s YOUR property. Have you ever been in a guys bathroom and saw a bobbie pin?? Universal girl code sign to “Run, Side Chick, ruuuunn!”.

Are you kidding me? You just had sex on his kitchen counter, but the idea of suggesting being exclusive seems too forward? To clingy? No, you’re right. Its better just to play it cool. You don’t want to pressure him, after all. I’m sure he just hasn’t gotten around to uninstalling his dating apps because he’s soooo wrapped up in you. And those pictures he liked on Facebook- I’m sure those bikini clad stripper looking girls are just old friends. Yep, you got yourself a real gentleman. Who needs The Notebook, or titles?

YOU DO.

Stop letting little shits like this change the rules of dating. Change the act of pursuing you. Change YOUR STANDARDS.

You are NOT hard to love. You are NOT setting an unrealistic standard.

When I talk about dating, I hear most of the blame being placed on men today. And I could not disagree more. I think men are pretty simple- when they like you, there is rarely any doubt. They call. They make plans. They keep plans. They make more plans.

Women on the other hand, well, we don’t seem to understand that. So we make excuses. Over-analyze on reasons why we haven’t heard from him. We give way to much when we get way too little. And with that, we have reinforced negative behavior. You didn’t hear from him for 3 days…, but he said he was busy…, it was a really tough week at work…., so I guess I’ll go over his place tonight…

Yeah, he must REALLY like you. Until 3 days turns into 5 days. 5 days turn into a week. And then a week turns into you crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s wondering what’s wrong with you. Next thing you know, you’re the next Taylor Swift. Except you don’t write songs- your weapon of choice is passive aggressive Facebook posts and Instagram quotes. Now, before you run out to buy a bunch of cats and declaring yourself a lesbian from here on out, let me break it down to you. Cause I’ve done the Ben & Jerry routine one too many times. There’s NOTHING wrong with you.

You just didn’t clarify what YOU wanted. What you needed. You put the focus on him. His needs. His rules. You silenced yourself when you shouldn’t have. All in the sake of playing it cool. And that’s exactly what happened. Because it probably never should have been in the first place. And if you would have spoken up about what YOU wanted, and how YOU felt, you would have seen this answer a lot sooner. Way before the emotional attachments started (that stupid pet name he gave you). Or the routines became consistent (we slept sooo good together). And definitely way before he ever made you feel bad about yourself, or what you deserve. You were easy. You were comfortable. And, eventually, you became replaceable.

So you see, its not always a good thing to be easy. Not when it comes at the cost of being honest. With yourself, and with him.

Be open about who you are. And direct about what you need.

Yeah, you’re probably still going to “hang out” with a lot of idiots. And get dick pics. Seriously guys- stop sending those. No one gets excited by them. But you’ll also save yourself a lot of time and heartache, freeing you to meet the guy that DOES pick you up. And deletes his Tinder account. And realizes upon meeting you what we already knew-

that if you’re a bird, he’s a bird.

X

#BombshellCode, Beauty, Dating, Fashion, Model Life

A Perfect Lie…

June 23, 2015 Liberata Leave a comment

https://open.spotify.com/track/7G852cXa8LBspMja7NvTSs

HELLO, GORGEOUS….

And welcome to my “mlog”.

It seems fitting that my first post should be more of a description of that very word. A preface of sorts. A reason to ~~anticipate~~ crave the next post.

Model + Blog = Mlog

Clever, right?

You see, I believe I have a talent. And it’s not modeling. Its COLLABORATING. The thrill of each shoot isn’t the shoot itself. Its the pulling of wardrobe. Its the collecting of pieces. Its breathing life into the ideas in my head. Down to every little detail. The images are simply the final result. The climax.

The images are me. And by “me” I’m referring to that person in your head you wish you could be. Not because you cant- but because you’re afraid. Have you ever found yourself saying “I could never pull that off….”? THAT is you making an excuse. And that is what I hope to change.

Why?

Because you deserve to know that YOU are fucking gorgeous. And as long as you believe that, you can pull off any look your fierce little heart desires.

I have a gut instinct that I follow. From shopping, to getting ready for work, to prepping for a shoot, to lounging like a goddess at home. That instinct is a mixture of the tone that I want to set, and the foundation of how I want to feel. In other words- expression.

“Style is a way to say who you are without having to speak”

So I’m going to share all my secrets with you. In a series of fashion adventures. Whether its packing for NYC, shooting in Miami, or date night in Tampa (yes, I kiss and tell…). And while you may regret the guy, you will never regret how you looked. Because this is about YOU.

And because I believe in details, each post will include a song to help further set the tone. Because I don’t shoot or dress without music. And maybe a few other things, too…

So get ready Bombshell- I’m going to expose myself in the hopes of inspiring you to not only just pull it off, but to own it.

And with that, I will leave you my first rule:

1. Don’t EVER concern yourself with what others think.

Ever.

There is a huge difference in how you make others feel, and how you let others make you feel. If I worried about what every bitch thought of me, I’d be just that- another worried bitch. And quite frankly, I feel the world has enough of those. So brush them off. Embrace the fact that if you are going to live your life as strong, confident, beautiful female (or as a fine ass male) you WILL have critics. That’s good. Embrace them. They are your biggest fans.

Live your life for you. Dress for you. Date for you.

#BombshellCode

Get used to seeing that.

Now, take in everything you read here. Let it sink in. Start thinking of all those amazing things you have wanted to do/try/wear/say, but haven’t found the reason to yet.

Because THIS is your reason.