We’ve talked about fashion. We’ve talked about music. Now its time to balance it all out and get down to the dirty.
The one topic that continues to elude us all. Because like everything else, dating is also a constantly evolving game- except now there are more players and rules then ever before.
Lets go back to basics first. Starting with the most primal, natural, gratifying part of the whole process- the chase. The act of pursuing a partner that seems completely disinterested in your now sole mission in life. Its calculated. And for some men, its even art. Seduce and destroy. Or, seduce and actually fall in love. Either way, the rules used to be clear. Gestures were grand.
It was actually kind of romantic.
But those days are gone. The only evidence that they even existed are found in Romantic Comedies. You can thank THEM for giving you an unrealistic idea of what to expect today. I mean, if you’re a bird, I’m a bird, right??
Wrong.
Had The Notebook been written today, you would have seen Noah jump on Tinder the second he was single, swiping at a feverish pace to find the next great lay. Or, instead of reading to Allie at the end, he would have just sent her texts full of emoticons. Because any real words or questions might come off as too forward. Maybe every now and then she’ll get a dick pic (that he keeps stored in his phone because he’s sent it to 5 other girls already).
Uh huh. I bet you’re all suddenly relating now.
We don’t even HAVE rules anymore. By the time anyone can really come up with some, technology changes again, or a new app is released, and suddenly its all blurry again.
For instance- can you even DEFINE dating today? In fact, it sounds stupid to even still use the word since no one really even goes on dates anymore anyways. We “hang out”. When was the last time someone actually picked you up, took you out, dropped you off, walked you to your door….? Today, everyone meets somewhere. And then we find it charming if they tell us to text them that we got home safely. See- obviously they must like you.
Nope. Sorry. That’s just someone being a decent human being. Cause the real test comes after…
How long till either of you are checking your online dating accounts? If my theories are correct, HE was probably checking it periodically through your “date”. YOU waited till at least after you sent the follow up “Just got home, had a great time, insert every emoticon under the sun except for a heart cause that’s too forward”.
And there you have it. We don’t want easy (the chase), but yet, we DO want easy. Because we know that if there is something even remotely challenging about this person, or if they don’t meet our requirements (I mean, he’s not even 6 ft!?), we can go shop online for our next date. I mean, hang out in a public place that we both drove to. Sounds like a real fairytale…
It gets worse though. Lets say you’re now dating someone that you actually really do like, “flaws” and all (5’11 is almost 6 ft, after all). But are you dating?? Like, really dating. Like, exclusively banging each others brains out 3 to 4 nights a week? I mean, we’re sleeping together, and hang out all the time, so I guess so… But he hasn’t changed his Facebook status…? And he still has his POF account…? Wait- where did he say he was going tonight?? We haven’t had “the talk” yet… Its okay- I left enough of my stuff in his bathroom to mark my territory. And yes ladies- THAT is where all your bobbie pins and hair ties go. They are sacrifices to the dating Gods to warn all potential bitches that’s YOUR property. Have you ever been in a guys bathroom and saw a bobbie pin?? Universal girl code sign to “Run, Side Chick, ruuuunn!”.
Are you kidding me? You just had sex on his kitchen counter, but the idea of suggesting being exclusive seems too forward? To clingy? No, you’re right. Its better just to play it cool. You don’t want to pressure him, after all. I’m sure he just hasn’t gotten around to uninstalling his dating apps because he’s soooo wrapped up in you. And those pictures he liked on Facebook- I’m sure those bikini clad stripper looking girls are just old friends. Yep, you got yourself a real gentleman. Who needs The Notebook, or titles?
YOU DO.
Stop letting little shits like this change the rules of dating. Change the act of pursuing you. Change YOUR STANDARDS.
You are NOT hard to love. You are NOT setting an unrealistic standard.
When I talk about dating, I hear most of the blame being placed on men today. And I could not disagree more. I think men are pretty simple- when they like you, there is rarely any doubt. They call. They make plans. They keep plans. They make more plans.
Women on the other hand, well, we don’t seem to understand that. So we make excuses. Over-analyze on reasons why we haven’t heard from him. We give way to much when we get way too little. And with that, we have reinforced negative behavior. You didn’t hear from him for 3 days…, but he said he was busy…, it was a really tough week at work…., so I guess I’ll go over his place tonight…
Yeah, he must REALLY like you. Until 3 days turns into 5 days. 5 days turn into a week. And then a week turns into you crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s wondering what’s wrong with you. Next thing you know, you’re the next Taylor Swift. Except you don’t write songs- your weapon of choice is passive aggressive Facebook posts and Instagram quotes. Now, before you run out to buy a bunch of cats and declaring yourself a lesbian from here on out, let me break it down to you. Cause I’ve done the Ben & Jerry routine one too many times. There’s NOTHING wrong with you.
You just didn’t clarify what YOU wanted. What you needed. You put the focus on him. His needs. His rules. You silenced yourself when you shouldn’t have. All in the sake of playing it cool. And that’s exactly what happened. Because it probably never should have been in the first place. And if you would have spoken up about what YOU wanted, and how YOU felt, you would have seen this answer a lot sooner. Way before the emotional attachments started (that stupid pet name he gave you). Or the routines became consistent (we slept sooo good together). And definitely way before he ever made you feel bad about yourself, or what you deserve. You were easy. You were comfortable. And, eventually, you became replaceable.
So you see, its not always a good thing to be easy. Not when it comes at the cost of being honest. With yourself, and with him.
Be open about who you are. And direct about what you need.
Yeah, you’re probably still going to “hang out” with a lot of idiots. And get dick pics. Seriously guys- stop sending those. No one gets excited by them. But you’ll also save yourself a lot of time and heartache, freeing you to meet the guy that DOES pick you up. And deletes his Tinder account. And realizes upon meeting you what we already knew-
that if you’re a bird, he’s a bird.
